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"Clever" Introductions Should be Avoided

Dear Thelma:

I recently went to a government office on business. When I arrived I was addressed by an employee as “young lady,” obviously referring to the fact that I am not young. She observed that I was irritated at her manner of addressing me. I asked her why she did so, and she thought it was “cute.” I did not find it so.

I did not expect to find myself patronized and insulted in an office whose function is to serve the public. There is no reason why anyone should be addressed in any manner that refers to age, gender or physical attributes, or that veers from the office’s function.

I, and many in my age group and circumstances, would appreciate a column on the necessity for those bureaucratic offices dealing with the public to be scrupulous in their manners when carrying out their duties.

Answer:

I’m sorry you’ve experienced this because I have found some of the most sincere and selfless individuals in my encounters with officials. However, bureaucrats are stereotyped as lacking respect and courtesy and as feeling they have license to be impatient, indifferent and rude. That stems from somewhere.

To combat that view, public officials must create a work environment for their employees that demonstrates the highest levels of respect and service for the public and for each other. From the office’s top official to the receptionist, their commitment must be to serve. That is the expectation of the public, and given proper focus, it’s an easy one to meet.

I don’t believe the employee you met intended to be rude, but her misguided attempt to be light and friendly did not create the proper level of service and respect. Government employees in direct contact with the public must be very deliberate in their manners and keep respect for the person they are dealing with at that moment as the driver for everything they do and say. That may be a challenge, but as a public servant, service always comes first.

Dear Thelma:

My 10-year high school reunion is coming up this summer. I’m looking forward to seeing some good friends, but there also will be people there who were awful to me in high school. How should I react or respond to them? Can I spend the whole weekend ignoring them?

Answer:

Make reconnecting your focus as you think about your reunion. Go with an open mind and heart, willing to say to everyone, I’m glad to see you here. You don’t have to seek out the people who did you wrong, but don’t ignore them. A lot can happen in 10 years. Time has changed things for you and for them. As you’ve matured, some of those differences you experienced in high school will have disappeared.

Be gracious and confident in yourself, and you may find it all to be more comfortable than you expect.

Dear Thelma:

I am going to my 20-year high school reunion and haven't seen most of my classmates for 20 years. I’m really worried about forgetting someone’s name or not recognizing an old friend. What do I do if someone walks up to me and I just can’t recall his or her name?

Answer:

Ask them. You’re all in the same boat. Twenty years is a long time and there’s nothing wrong with saying I forgot your name.

If you realize a classmate doesn’t remember your name, remind him: “Remember, I’m Thelma.” It’s more polite to settle it right away, rather than avoiding the name or the person, or running around to try to find out their name from someone else at the party.

The big hair of 1989 is out, but good manners never go out of style.

Have a question about etiquette? Ask it at www.askthelma.com. Thelma Domenici is CEO of Thelma Domenici & Associates, offering contemporary social skills development programs to all ages.